MY FAVOURITE HOBBY IS POKING ROADKILL WITH A STICK

Hello children

I recently went speed dating. My opening line was the title of this post. I didn't get any positive responses. Please advise me as to where I'm going wrong.

I'm a sad man.

Michel Foucault once made an exercise video. It was called this:

Yogic Rump Disciples

I have I believe the only copy left in existence (the tape is quite worn as I've watched it in slow-motion a lot). In it Foucault gyrates in a haphazard manner reminiscent of a poorly coordinated walrus. Accompanying him are a group of worryingly young looking boys who seem better equipped for the task and are far better movers. This is probably why half way through proceedings, Foucault decides to stop exercising. He then unfolds a garden chair (why a garden chair? I really don't know) and sits to the side. From here Foucault murmurs encouragement of the performers and slowly begins to pleasure himself. The boys look slightly uncomfortable, but they're good sports and continue to perform admirably. In fact, their professionalism really shines through. I know I could not choreograph my body whilst a bald Frenchman was busy ransacking his flesh-nozzle not two metres away from me.

I bet you're wondering why this video wasn't a success. Again, like 'Take a Shower With Foucault' it was marketed poorly. This time it was aimed at pre-school toddlers suffering from ADHD. D'oh! If only Foucault had got a good PR person, he could have been as popular and successful as the Chuckle Brothers.

It's not all bad news though, as the video came with a booklet that has pictures of Foucault in any number of sensual poses. I'm flicking through it right now. Hang on... pages seem to be stuck together... how vexing.