THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT FOUCAULT

THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT FOUCAULT
No 1.

Foucault would play Monopoly only if he could be the Top Hat.

Really small minded, I know. You think he would be above that sort of thing. Apparently when he lost he would dismiss it as only one arbitrary result from a multitude of possible "meta" results, with none baring any relation to reality, given the unstable nature of language and its inability to depict an external referent in a post-Cartesian infrastructure gobshite.

ARE FERAL CHILDREN INFECTING YOUR HOUSE WITH AIDS?

That haunting, yet peaceful stare into the middle distance suggests that the procedure requested in the book's title is indeed at that very moment being carried out...

Here's an interesting fact*: Foucault had Botox treatment on his own testicles.

That's pretty vain, isn't it? I mean, they're supposed to be wrinkled; that way they help regulate the temperature of the sperm, keeping it at a consistent 98 degrees centigrade. "Smoothing" the testicular sack has a tobogganing effect on the sperm. To put it simplistically,  the sperm slides out of the testicles and pools in the feet ("spunkfoot" is the proper medical term). Consequently it has further to go when climax occurs, leading to an unimpressive ejaculation. It's a bit like a firework that you think hasn't gone off properly, so you approach it warily, thinking it might still go off, but after a while you realise it has gone off, and that tiny explosion was all you were ever going to get. It's a bit like that, only it's someone's penis (and not a firework). (I feel I'm going into too much detail in explaining these metaphors. I should really let them speak for themselves. I'm very sorry). 

* in these posts you might have noticed that the word "fact" is basically a synonym for "something I've just made up."

New Film Out

MICHEL FOUCAULT:

TAKING A DUMP ON THE BED SHEETS OF HISTORICAL DISCOURSE

GAYLORDS IN SPACE

1977-1984

This suggestion for study is inspired by a French reality programme of the same name, in which prominent homosexuals were filmed for the edification of a rabid television audience. Interestingly, Michel Foucault and his "young friend" Jean Paul were the first to take part.  13 July 1977 saw the launch of space capsule Cockblast II carrying Foucault and friend and for the next 14 months viewers avidly tuned in every evening to share their fears, their worries and their horny rampant sex sessions.

As with today's reality programmes, producers would spice things up if things got a bit boring. These included weekly games where the pair could win greater privileges (better food, more comfortable beds, oxygen etc). Here are just a few:

1. Swan. Swans are released into the capsule. Foucault and Jean Paul have to shave as many as they can in 20 minutes. For every swan shaved, the pair receive a highlighter pen. It's not much of a prize, but they don't seem to mind.

2. Rusty Trombone Party. This sexual practice went under various other names, including “rusty tree penis", "rusty crap hammer" and "Willy Wonka Reacharound". It was the big ratings winner, with over 50 million watching one such event. It is also where we get the phrase "parping a tune on the rusty trombone", which is in common usage today.

3. Fart sex. Foucault and Jean Paul make love through the medium of their flatulence.

4. Docking Station. Jean Paul floats aimlessly around the capsule, wearing a special spacesuit with the bottom cut out. A naked blindfolded Foucault then has to locate Jean Paul and perform the tricky manoeuvre of achieving coitus. It's rather reminisant of the opening of 2001: A Space Odyssey, although instead of a satellite majestically pirouetting through space, it's a flailing bald Frenchman with an erection trying to locate his boyfriend's rear end. Nevertheless, it was still an intensely moving moment of TV history. I cried a great deal whilst watching the tape of it.

I feel Gaylords in Space was very much ahead of its time. TV could learn from it today.

THESE ARE MY PRESCRIPTI​ON TESTICLES

A  favourite for study:

FART PARADIGMS IN

FOUCAULT'S SLACKS 

You can actually pick up a copy at this website:

http://www.prehensileboygaylords.com/

There you can buy 2 copies for the price of 3. What a bargain.

Topic of study:

FOUCAULT: GENTLY RUNNING A FINGER

 ALONG THE ARSE CRACK OF HISTORY

MY FAVOURITE HOBBY IS POKING ROADKILL WITH A STICK

Hello children

I recently went speed dating. My opening line was the title of this post. I didn't get any positive responses. Please advise me as to where I'm going wrong.

I'm a sad man.

Michel Foucault once made an exercise video. It was called this:

Yogic Rump Disciples

I have I believe the only copy left in existence (the tape is quite worn as I've watched it in slow-motion a lot). In it Foucault gyrates in a haphazard manner reminiscent of a poorly coordinated walrus. Accompanying him are a group of worryingly young looking boys who seem better equipped for the task and are far better movers. This is probably why half way through proceedings, Foucault decides to stop exercising. He then unfolds a garden chair (why a garden chair? I really don't know) and sits to the side. From here Foucault murmurs encouragement of the performers and slowly begins to pleasure himself. The boys look slightly uncomfortable, but they're good sports and continue to perform admirably. In fact, their professionalism really shines through. I know I could not choreograph my body whilst a bald Frenchman was busy ransacking his flesh-nozzle not two metres away from me.

I bet you're wondering why this video wasn't a success. Again, like 'Take a Shower With Foucault' it was marketed poorly. This time it was aimed at pre-school toddlers suffering from ADHD. D'oh! If only Foucault had got a good PR person, he could have been as popular and successful as the Chuckle Brothers.

It's not all bad news though, as the video came with a booklet that has pictures of Foucault in any number of sensual poses. I'm flicking through it right now. Hang on... pages seem to be stuck together... how vexing.