Jesus and the Media

It came to pass that Jesus was to appear at an informal meet and greet event in the centre of Jerusalem, where many local dignitaries and influential people were to attend.

However, of late Jesus’ appearances in front of other people had been poorly received.

So on the instructions of Peter, it was decided that Thomas was to pose as a member of the public and throw Jesus some softball questions, thus giving him the chance to appear sane and approachable.

And so on the day Thomas asked him, ‘good teacher, your relationship with God is clearly very important to you and you must spend a lot of time in prayer and contemplation. What then do you do in your spare time to escape the pressure of being the Messiah?’

And Jesus, already grinning with childish anticipation at the chance of sharing with others his tiresome hobby minutiae said,

In my spare time I enjoy making chutney, dancing by myself in a room of mirrors and watching my favourite film, Krull. I’ve seen it over 600 times and never tire of it. It’s often said that someone watching the same film over and over again is a sure sign of arrested development and/or latent pathological tendencies in need of prompt professional diagnosis to ensure the safety of the general public. But that is nonsense. I’ve talked about this with the countless small animals I’ve trapped and killed in my garden and then nailed to my bedroom wall, and they assure me that it’s all normal behaviour for a young man in his thirties who still lives with his mother. They also say that Krull is, like, totally the best film in the history of, like, ever, and that anyone who speaks a word against it is worthy of being stalked over a period of months and then bludgeoned to death with a fence post.

The event had turned into a disaster.


Peter, however, denied all responsibility for it.


Three times, in fact.