Jesus and the Media

It came to pass that Jesus was to appear at an informal meet and greet event in the centre of Jerusalem, where many local dignitaries and influential people were to attend.

However, of late Jesus’ appearances in front of other people had been poorly received.

So on the instructions of Peter, it was decided that Thomas was to pose as a member of the public and throw Jesus some softball questions, thus giving him the chance to appear sane and approachable.

And so on the day Thomas asked him, ‘good teacher, your relationship with God is clearly very important to you and you must spend a lot of time in prayer and contemplation. What then do you do in your spare time to escape the pressure of being the Messiah?’

And Jesus, already grinning with childish anticipation at the chance of sharing with others his tiresome hobby minutiae said,

In my spare time I enjoy making chutney, dancing by myself in a room of mirrors and watching my favourite film, Krull. I’ve seen it over 600 times and never tire of it. It’s often said that someone watching the same film over and over again is a sure sign of arrested development and/or latent pathological tendencies in need of prompt professional diagnosis to ensure the safety of the general public. But that is nonsense. I’ve talked about this with the countless small animals I’ve trapped and killed in my garden and then nailed to my bedroom wall, and they assure me that it’s all normal behaviour for a young man in his thirties who still lives with his mother. They also say that Krull is, like, totally the best film in the history of, like, ever, and that anyone who speaks a word against it is worthy of being stalked over a period of months and then bludgeoned to death with a fence post.

The event had turned into a disaster.


Peter, however, denied all responsibility for it.


Three times, in fact.

Parable of the Unwise Haberdasher

It was the day before the Sabbath and Jesus was in Jerusalem, where he had been attracting large gatherings. And someone in the crowd asked of him, ‘good teacher, tell us a parable that will help strengthen our faith and teach us to live a morally upstanding life.’

And Jesus replied, ‘my friends, I will do so. I will tell you the Parable of the Unwise Haberdasher.’ And Jesus comported himself with care and began to tell the parable.

A haberdasher has a stroke of good fortune and finds three sheets of fine material.

The first he sells to a young man who wishes to make a smashing pair of cargo shorts.

The second piece he sells to a rich heiress who wants to make a jacket for her ridiculously small dog.

The third piece he keeps for himself.

After laying it flat on a work table in his establishment and smoothing out the creases with a hot iron, he climbs upon the table, lifts up his robes and takes an almighty dump directly onto the material. Having done this, he carefully pulls the corners together to form a kind of sling, and then starts dancing and swinging the material around his head whilst reciting a strange incantation about brown cherubs.

He does this for about two hours.

But he’s so immersed in what he’s doing (he’s ‘in the zone’, as it were), he accidentally lets go of one of the corners and the contents of the makeshift sling go flying everywhere and make an awful, awful mess.

He looks in dismay at what he’s done and thinks, ‘why have I done this? The other two bits of cloth I sold and made a tidy profit, but this cloth I defecated on and waved in the air like I just didn’t care. Now I have a ruined cloth and my own shit to clear up. Dear God, I have been most foolish in what I have done and I repent of my actions!’’

God then spoke to him from his throne in heaven and said ‘My forgiveness is always available for those who repent. You are thus forgiven, my son.’

Having finished the parable, Jesus looked at the crowd. ‘This man had lost sight of what he was good at: selling cloth to his consumers and making a tidy profit. He’d forgotten this simple fact and instead did something weird with his poo. That was a mistake. But in doing what he did, he had obtained something special. He had obtained full forgiveness from God. That prize is available for everyone gathered here today. For those who have ears, let them hear.’

On hearing the parable and absorbing its contents, one group present said that if this one particular man deposited his faecal matter on expensive material, and then worsening the situation by accidentally scattering said faecal matter during some bizarre dance ritual, but in doing so attained forgiveness from the Lord, then all people must do exactly the same thing if they are to attain forgiveness as well.

But another group thought it important not to take everything in the parable literally. It simply warned against recklessly attempting something outside one’s area of expertise that would likely result in sinning. This is what the parable meant. What it did not mean was to go out and make some kind of workplace dirty protest in an effort to garner God’s forgiveness. That was just stupid.

In the end, the two groups could not agree on which interpretation was correct, so decided to have a war about it.

Thousands would die in a bloodbath over one man and his turds.

Gospel Parables

And it came to pass that Jesus enter the town of Bethsaida.

Immediately a crowd gathered around Jesus wanting to know news about fashions currently popular in Jerusalem (filthy robes), as well as the latest scandals involving King Herod (horse concubines).

Then someone asked Jesus, ‘Rabbi, what is the correct way to live rightously and worship God?’

And Jesus said, ‘listen to this parable and learn its lesson.’

A man got his wife a present for her birthday. He placed it in a large box, wrapped it in brightly coloured paper and gave it to her. 

Delighted, she opened it and looked inside: in there was a pile of washing up her husband wanted her to do. 

When she appeared ungrateful towards the gift and had steadfastly refused to do the aforementioned washing up, the husband emptied the contents of a wastepaper basket over her head.

He then made her wear the same wastepaper basket on her head for the next 30 years.

‘This is like God and his relationship to you’, Jesus said. ‘He gives you the gift of life and asks you to obey his laws: thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, etc. When you do not obey him, such as not doing his washing up, he will punish you by making you wear a wastepaper basket on your head for an extended period of time.’

 ‘Or sometimes he’ll punish you in other ways, like making you eat wood shavings, or having only ants as friends.’

‘God can do these things because He Loves You.’

Jesus then rose and left the area, striding triumphantly into the sunset like a young Richard Burton.

However, the effect was spoiled when he fell into a deep hole after just ten yards.

And the people could not get him out that night, so they lowered an ass into the hole to keep Jesus company.

And the people strapped to the beast various games for Jesus to play, lest he became bored with the ass’s general conversation.

But by the next morning and their time of rescue, Jesus and the ass had forged a special friendship that lasted until the ass found someone more interesting to talk to.

Bible Corner

This is my favourite scripture of the moment, from 2 Samuel 18:9 -

Absalom was riding on his mule, and the mule went under the thick branches of a great oak, and his head caught fast in the oak, and he was suspended between heaven and earth, while the mule that was under him went on.

Brilliant stuff. Writing like this is clearly the product of inhaling too closely next to a Norman Wisdom film.

There's a happy end to all this, you'll be glad to know, when a guy called Jo'ab shows up:

And he [Jo'ab] took three javelins in his hand and thrust them into the heart of Absalom while he was still alive in the oak. And ten young men, Joab’s armor-bearers, surrounded Absalom and struck him and killed him. 2 Samuel 18:14-15

Is it just me or is this overkill? The guy's hanging from a branch by his head and it takes ten people to kill him. Jo'ab could have used his ten young men in a far more profitable way, perhaps using them as dancers or prostitutes, or even retrain them to enter the flourishing food business in early Iron Age Palestine.  They could have called themselves Kosher Katering, The marketing writes itself, doesn't it?

NOAH'S COCK

God bless you!

I've been continuing my bible study and I've discovered many interesting things about the good book and how it is still utterly relevant to modern life. Take this gem from Deuteronomy 22:8, where the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE dispenses this sage advice -


When you build a new house, make a parapet around your roof so that you may not bring the guilt of bloodshed on your house if someone falls from the roof.

In accordance with this edict I'm now building a parapet on my roof, where I currently hold a number of small children against their will. When one of them plummets to their death to escape my sadistic cruelty, I can now have peace of mind that no blame will fall at my door (unlike the aforementioned children).

Being so moved by this passage, I've composed a prayer to thank the Lord for this indispensable piece of wisdom:

Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
We give thanks for the advice
On architectural add-ons.
And wait with keen interest
for more design tips
In the near future.
Cheers.


I've also found this passage in the Gospel of Jane. It shows Jesus of Nazareth's characteristic sense of fair play and ability to ask difficult questions.

The following day Jesus and the disciples were in Capernaum, a town in Galilee, where they were preparing for the evening meal. As mealtime approached, Jesus did ask his disciples a question:

'A man has two sons. To the first he gives 20 gold coins. To the second he gives 50 gold coins. Which son has the more money?'

The disciples answered, 'the second is richer, my Lord'.

'Wrong!' said Jesus. 'The third son is richer. He has a palace and a sports car.'

'But you didn't even mention him. How are we supposed to...'

'Shut up', said Jesus. 'Now, where's my fucking dinner?'


What a douche.