BEHOLD, I AM AGAINST YOUR PILLOWS

(NB: written just before Christmas)

Hey gash farts.

How are you all? I hope you are doing ok and not contemplating suicide on a minute-by-minute basis, which I'm not doing as well. Definitely not.


We have come to that time of the year where the Creator of the Universe looked down on planet earth and thought, "wow, things are a bit crap down there, I should really do something about it. I know what I'll do: I'll get the Holy Spirit to shoot my godjism up some Jewish woman, who will then give birth to a child that will save the world. Yep, that makes perfect sense. Now, where's the cooking sherry? I feel like getting pissed."


Merry Christmas one and all!

Do you know when I was a child, I remember looking at Jesus and thinking, he was born at Christmas (in December) and died at Easter (around March or April). He therefore only lived for three or four months. How did he fit all his life into such a short period? Later I realised that my immature mind had overlooked what was clearly the truth of the matter:

Jesus was a space traveller who could alter the flow of time with a special watch.

Pretty obvious when you think about it.

I've also been reading this very interesting book about Jesus, (a.k.a. the Cosmic Jewish Zombie). In it the biblical scholar Kenny Dalglish reveals some details about a previously unknown gospel, enigmatically known as the Gospel of Lactating Shemale Dave. Jesus' behaviour is considerably different from what was originally known. I'll let Kenny tell the story: 
 

This was Jesus’ idea of a practical joke. Accompanied by his disciples, Jesus would pretend to be some kind of law-enforcing official. He would then inform a passing citizen that his wife and four children had died in a tragic farming accident. After leaving adequate time for the man to break down and sob uncontrollably at his awful loss, Jesus would smile and reveal it was all a joke and that his family was in fact unharmed. Although the man is naturally angry at the charade, he is relieved that his wife and children are safe. But then Jesus, turning 180 degrees in a callous display of comedic genius, reveals that actually his wife and children are dead, and he’d personally killed them with an axe. Jesus starts laughing a great deal at this, whilst the disciples shuffle awkwardly and look at their feet, wondering why the hell they left their jobs to follow such a complete shit. 

I feel this information would have a dramatic effect on western civilisation if only it could become more widely known, and if only I hadn't made it all up.