GONNA BOTTLE UP MY LOVE, SHAKE IT UP AND DOWN AND SPRAY IT ALL OVER JESUS

Hey you sodding fucking bastards.

I've had quite a difficult few weeks. I've suddenly realised that I've been breaking the law in partaking in my new hobby. It involved following women very closely late at night whilst narrating the 18th century erotic novel Fanny Hill in a seductive voice. I thought in doing this I'd meet some interesting lady people, but apparently it's counts as "harassment" and carries a minimum three-year prison sentence. I genuinely thought it was a normal everyday hobby, like stamp-collecting or masturbating in front of a pet dog.

There's so much I don't understand about the world.


Here's an idea for a TV podfart, a new medium that I've just invented:



Kids Say the Stupidest Things.

The pitch

3 to 5 year-olds are asked questions on a number of different subjects, e.g. animals, their own family. geography, current affairs, etc. After submitting demonstrably false answers, a panel of judges will roundly criticise the pathetic attempts at knowledge on display, using the staple of TV judging panels insults: inapt and poorly thought out similes.

For example,

"Jack, your brain is like Gandalf playing a banjo"
or

"Jamie, your attempt to explain Marx's theory of alienation was as if a tractor was trying to put on a pair of trousers"
and

"Molly, your intelligence is at a poor level. It's as if a sofa cushion was your mum, and you're like a smaller sofa cushion who she gave birth to. Sofa cushions have low intelligence, and you're like that."
Such incisive comments will show just how flawed and idiotic these children's worldviews really are.


The panel will consist of a man, a women and another man: all pissing on a young child's confidence. Metaphorically speaking, of course, although a more literal meaning could come into play, depending on how the show does in the ratings. But I don't really envisage it going in that direction. Honestly, adults hosing down kiddies on live television? That's sick. You see that sort of thing on Loose Women, but there it's done for satirical purposes only.

I don't see this show as being exploitative. No, not at all. All it's really doing is psychologically harming toddlers for the benefit of a large TV audience. What's the harm in that?