I bet you're wondering how I am. I'll tell you. I've been spending my days trying to imitate the honking noise Pingu makes in the cartoon series of the same name. Through a dedicated practice regime of 10 hours a day, I now sound exactly like the bolshy penguin upstart.

I hope you've all been using your time as productively as me (although I find that very unlikely).


Anyway, I've made an impressive archaeological discovery. Read on.


First there was the HOLY GRAIL
 

Then there was the TURIN SHROUD

Now a discovery that will finally turn the world towards Christ.




THE SOCK JESUS USED TO MOP UP SPUNK AFTER HE'D HAD A WANK

Here it is.

 

It's a pretty incredible artifact, I think you'll agree.

Apparently, scientists have already carbon dated the sock, and it turns out it was manufactured in the early twenty-first century. This unfortunate result can be attributed to the work of Satan, who with his evil wang of love manipulates things to make myself and fellow christians' beliefs look stupid. To me, this garment clearly comes from 2000 years ago. Red socks were very popular back then.
 

New Version of Edward II

My version of Edward II will explore the great themes of contemporary literature, namely love, identity, alienation and steamy hot sex action.

I've already formulated the ending. It's a bit similar to Romeo and Juliet.  Edward and Gaveston have a fight, and Gaveston, in a fit of pique, decides he doesn’t need to have a partner for a satisfying sex life. Unfortunately, he is forced to find ever more extreme ways to achieve sexuul pleasure, and dies whilst partaking in autoerotic asphyxiation with a badger. On finding the body, (you'll be glad to know the badger was unharmed) Edward is distraught and decides to commit suicide. Before ending his life, he resolves to consummate the friendship with one final selfless gesture: he has a wank over Gaveston's lifeless corpse. The curtain falls, and there's not a dry eye (or dry anything) in the house.

Sir Ian Mckellan will play the role of Edward. Fred Durst will play Gaveston.

A Presentation By Jonathan

EARLY MODERN

COCK FARTS

Before the presentation, a special mix tape of Jonathan's favourite music will be played. Artists included are Steps, Village People, Celine Dion and Fudge Tunnel. At approximately 8.30 pm, Jonathan, dressed in a white spandex jumpsuit with the bottom cut out, will launch himself on stage from a nearby trampet. He will then commence juggling with three aborted foetuses to the sounds of I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor . After this crowd pleasing opener, special wires will hoist Jonathan high into the building's rafters, from where he will swoop down on the audience and menace them with the larger of his two penises. After regaling theatregoers on the above subject, Jonathan will end the evening by eating a live crow, bringing about a cathartic epiphany in the audience, who quite rightly bring the house down.

Poetry Corner

Hello dirty cock whores

Hope you don't mind the informal greeting.

Here's a poem by that renowned auteur Cardinal Wigwam Tommy, currently residing in prison for sodomising H from Steps. 

Parlour Games

Jean Paul and Foucault

Play naked Twister

Bald man's sac,

Gently sliding,

Across boyfriend's face.

Postmodern douchebag,

Evacuates gonad(s)

wipe-clean

          ... matting,

          ...essential.

A wholesome activity

For all the family.

£6.79 from Argos,

A sound investment.

He shows remarkable control of the literal and figurative, doesn't he?

Petition for Wigwam Tommy's release at this website: www.cuptheballsworktheshaft.com.

ARE THESE MY ULTIMATE PYJAMAS?

Wrap your thesis lips around this tasty morsel:

GARY OLDMAN'S

12 GREATEST DUMPS

It will focus on the infamous 'brown shower' parties of Gary's early years.

Exciting New Photos

Check out these photos of a hand trowel I've just got:

What about a side-on angle:

Wow, is all I can say.


Are there any other hand trowel lovers out there?



You people make me sick.

Some Creative Writing

Paragraphs 5

1. My prayers, aimed at the ceiling and going no further, I stood up and experienced taste of acrid failure. And saw: Christ on a quad bike, skilful with poise, takes a difficult corner. I bend the knee and give praise. I then ask if he has ever heard of the DIY product No More Nails. He smiled kindly, as if I was the first to make the joke, whilst mentally putting an asterisk next to my name in the Book of Life.

2. I saw the problem clearly now. Never propose necrophilia on a first date. Mistake number two: giving her sex aid with in-built oscillating wank function for use when I not there to tend to her. Her ill humour understandable, fierce. I took my defeat and went home, into the welcoming arms of the internet. Browser history shameful.

3. ‘Culture constructs reality’, clucks English professor. Strange man: tenured and hubristic. He says to wraith-like audience: ‘I coil postmodern turds on the bedsheets of empiricism.’ Example of this given: excreta screams from below diaphragm; backward whooshing sound; noise and bowel move in unison and expelling matter.  Glazed eyes, dribbling into his lectern, drunk on own claptrap. Exhausted, he falls to the floor like an old sock. Applause followed.

4. Knowing nothing of the real world I take solace in word and song. Title: A Road Paved with Carcasses. Result: a smorgasbord of post-apocalyptic banalities. Writing words with bones I composed this line, ‘Pablo, take your rusty crap hammer and perforate my membranes.’ Music accompaniment for this: glassy tones. Like cattle pissing on harps. 

5. Bending porn around allegory and dung into metaphor, with symbols I hacked at the body of a pageboy who lies without motion. Joints dislocate with careful twist, toothpick arms snap off, dimpled cheeks cave in with accurate applied pressure.  Lengthways sexual turn, uncoil a narrow two yards and receive me. I finish, twitching like a fisher’s rod. Despondent experience. Swabbed-out afterbirth pools on floor and taunts me.